Till Death Do Us Part
Our marriage has never felt as fragile as it does now.
This post has nothing to do with our move to Portugal and it also has everything to do with our move to Portugal... Allow me to explain...
(Warning.... This post is much longer than I had planned, but my feelings around the topic are very strong and I felt that I needed to say all of this. Stick around to the end to find out what's next in our process of moving to Porto, Portugal.)
On May 11th, 2014, I married my now husband Yoav, the most amazing man I have ever had the privilege of knowing in my entire life. We met in early January of 2013 via Match(dot)com (does anybody use Match anymore?). I was 47yo at the time, and my history with relationships wasn't great. Let's just say that I had kissed dozens (upon dozens...) of frogs before finding my prince. I knew on the first date he was the one, and within a few months I was secretly shopping for rings. Then, only seven months after we met, I proposed to him on a vacation in Provincetown, MA. He was quite surprised, but without hesitation, he said YES!
Our marriage is what we call a "Real Estate Shotgun Wedding". We had originally planned to get married in 2015 to allow for a properly planned wedding. But circumstances related to Manhattan real estate led us to very quickly plan a wedding and dinner in 29 days with 35 guests (including five people who flew in from across the country). The wedding was held in the Flatiron District of Manhattan in a photography studio cum event-space (space was limited which limited us to the 35 guests) with a most amazing view of the Empire State Building right out the back windows. (There is quite the story behind how our wedding happened and I would be happy to elaborate should we ever meet in person.)
Since I know how intelligent my readers are, you have likely figured out by this point that we just celebrated ten years of marriage. Hence the motivation behind this post. I will fill you in on what we did to mark our ten years further down.
Let's go back to the beginning... Growing up and coming to terms with the fact that I was gay back in the 70s and 80s meant accepting that I would forever be relegated to second class citizenship status as I could never live up to the standards we were all taught growing up. Those standards being that I had to do well in school (I didn't), go to college (I didn't), find a good woman to marry (I didn't), and then have whatever number of children was expected at the time (yup, that didn't happen either). All the while ensuring my same sex attraction was kept quiet (I wasn't willing to live that lie).
I have nearly always felt like a second class citizen, an outsider, and oddball. For the most part, I have learned to flourish within this status, and make the best of it. Even when presented with healthy gay relationships, the best I could hope for was a civil partnership or some other ostensible ceremony with friends acknowledging our relationship.
Given my track record of never meeting the right guy and never having any relationship last more than a year or two, by my early 40s, I had pretty much given up hope that I would ever have a life-partner, much less be married to him. The very concept of being legally married in the eyes of the government was simply out of the question.
I remember back when Marriage Equality was passed in New York State in June of 2011, I was elated for my friends, but I still never considered that I could be married. Just the previous year, I had purchased a small (290 sq ft) studio co-op on W 57th Street in Hell's Kitchen with the idea that, should I remain single for the rest of my life, I would be able to pay off the mortgage by the time I retired, and have a comfortable place to live in Manhattan for the long haul.
Thankfully, during that time, I had a fantastic therapist who, over the course of a coupe of years, encouraged me to believe in myself and foster the belief that I deserved an amazing man in my life. For the first time in my life, I began to believe I was not only worthy of being in a healthy relationship, but worthy of being married to him (in the state of New York of course).
So, getting married to Yoav in 2014 was truly the best day of my life1. Then just over a year later, the Supreme Court decided Obergefell v. Hodges which "...ruled that the fundamental right to marry is guaranteed to same-sex couples by both the Due Process Clause and the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment of the Constitution".
It was during this time when Marriage Equality passed nationwide, that I felt like a first class citizen for the very first time in my life. I remember well that I finally felt like I belonged (even though there was still a large contingency that basically wanted me dead). I remember when filing taxes in spring of 2016, how amazing it was to have the Federal Government acknowledge our existence. Finally, I (almost) belonged.
Unfortunately, we all know what has happened since. It was barely a month later that the OHF2 announced his candidacy for president. What a joke we all thought... Only, I was actually a bit concerned.
Meanwhile, over the course of the rest of 2015 and into 2016, I began to understand just how deep the hatred of Obama was outside of my bubble of New York City. Back when he was elected in 2008, I was elated to have an intelligent, articulate, and wise Black Man as president. I was foolish enough to believe that the country could finally be beyond the issue of race.
I was SO WRONG. As the OHF gained more and more new followers, my concern about what was happening with the mood of the country grew... I remembered how popular "The Apprentice" was and I thought he was a vile narcissist back then. By August of 2016, my gut feeling of concern about the election led me to request a day of PTO for the Wednesday following the November election. If I was wrong, I would have a wonderful day of rest. Well... Enough said.
The election of the OHF was part of the impetus of us packing up our conformable lives in New York City and settling into a pre-Civil War house in Philadelphia. We knew things were going awry, but figured we could weather it out in South Philly. Then June of 2022 came along....
We were at a family wedding in the forest on the Olympic Peninsula in Washington State during late June when the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade. That was a Friday, the day before the wedding. We spent that entire evening in our cabin searching via the very limited connection to the internet about what it wold really take to move to Portugal.
The Supreme Court decision in 2015 to grant marriage equality to same sex partners was just that... A decision by the courts. An interpretation of the law, not written law. The overturning of Roe suddenly made clear to us that if the now very conservative Supreme Court could overturn a woman's right to control what happens to her body, then they could overturn other things. Based on what they had already stated in the Roe v. Wade decision, we believe our marriage to be at risk.
Now, if this had happened, say, ten years earlier, I wouldn't have been thrilled, but because I believed I was destined to be eternally single, it didn't matter much. Also, I had been very accustomed to living in a world where I had to be careful about revealing my true identity. But now.... Very... Different....
In the 80s and 90s I remember well how important it was to keep your identity as a homosexual secret from the government, as you could not trust that you would receive the same treatment if it was known. I also remember using secretly coded ID numbers to get tested for HIV every six months at the local clinic in Seattle in the 90s. But by 2016 we were filing "Married Jointly" on our Federal and State Taxes. The government KNEW we were FAGGOTS3 now.
We are finally to the part where up until now, this post had nothing to do with Portugal, but now it does... This is something my heterosexual friends and family cannot fully grasp the enormity of...
Up until just very recently... It was legal to discriminate based on sexual orientation (even perceived sexual orientation) when it comes to jobs, education, and many other areas of accommodation. It is still legal to discriminate on the basis of housing, public accomodation (hotels) and credit. Yup, credit… In 31 states there are no explicit prohibitions for discrimination when granting credit based on sexual orientation or gender identity4.
The rights we have quite recently achieved between decisions of the Supreme Court under Obama and Presidential Executive Orders under Biden are NOT set in stone, they are reversible, and should the OHF return to the presidency, you can be sure that they will be stripped as fast as they possibly can. He has already made that clear.
Meanwhile in Portugal... Our rights as members of the LGBTQ+ community when it comes to discrimination in housing, employment, and other accommodations are protected under the Constitution, including our marriage. Portugal is one of only a handful of countries where our rights are constitutional and not easily reversible.
Bottom line... This is the number one reason we are leaving the United States. There are many contributing factors such as almost zero gun control, endless mass shootings with zero effort to end them, healthcare that costs so much money that many people have no option but to declare bankruptcy, many states now limiting how women can control their bodies, a bizarre obsession with giant trucks, and zero regard for the planet... I could go on.... But bottom line. My marriage to the man I love more than anything in the world is under threat in the US, and we are going to a place where we can feel safe.
That's not to say things are perfect in Portugal, they are not.... But we believe our chances for a happy life together are greater in Portugal than they are in the US. I have had several folks ask upon hearing of our plans, "Why don't you stay here and fight?" To be honest.... We are tired of fighting. We fought for our rights to exist for so many years going back to the AIDs crisis in the 80s and more. We're done. Let the young folks fight this fight. Some will say this is a copout... For me, it is a matter of taking care of myself first. If I cannot take care of myself, I cannot be there for others.
Now... About the anniversary. First, let me say that our tenth anniversary was definitely more low key than our fifth. For our fifth, we did a two week road trip in the Midwest and visited a multitude of friends5. On our fifth anniversary, we had dinner at the top of the John Hancock Tower in Chicago, a city I spent eight years in and will always hold a place in my heart.
For our tenth anniversary, Yoav and I took the ever so glamorous Greyhound Bus on a two hour ride to New York City for a weekend celebration. A celebration to include a brunch with his parents for Mothers Day, and a big farewell dinner with friends in Chelsea as we will not be back in NYC together for a while. Of course the main purpose of our trip was to celebrate ten years of marriage.
For our tenth anniversary, we visited some old haunts, walked the Promenade in Brooklyn Heights, and then went to dinner at our special place. That special dinner spot would be Henry's End, also in Brooklyn Heights. I first went there with my now sadly departed best friend (and best man at our wedding) about 15 years ago. Then after a memorial gathering for my best friend nearby in DUMBO6, we went to Henry's End and it then became our special place for dinner. The physical location has moved down the street, but it still holds a special spot in our hearts.
So.... Now that I've explained our primary reason behind the move, I am happy to share that yesterday we were in Newark for our appointment with the Consulate for our D7 Visa. I promise to post soon about our experience. We have also purchased one-way plane tickets for late July in anticipation that we will be ready to go at that point.
As noted in the last post... Shit is getting VERY real.
If you made it to this point in the post, I want to extend a big THANK YOU for sticking it out. I try to keep my posts from getting too long, but sometimes there is just a lot to say.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this... Please consider leaving a comment.
It was also the day I experienced my mother being the happiest I had ever seen her... Finally, at the age of 48, her only child was getting married. To my parents' credit, they welcomed Yoav into the family and treated him with all the respect he deserved.
OHF - Orange Headed Fucknugget - I simply CANNOT use his name without feeling sick to my stomach.
Like the "N" word in the Black community, I have the privilege of using the word Faggot within my own community. So unless you are also gay, you don't get to use this word. — Sorry, not sorry.
It is hard to believe that in 2024, it is still legal to discriminate against LGBTQ folks for things that everyone else just takes for granted. Things like housing, public accommodation (hotels, motels, etc), and credit are the main areas with little protections.
It was during this trip that I first discussed symptoms I was dealing with which lead to my esophageal cancer diagnosis later in 2019. I will do a post about that at some point.
DUMBO - An acronym for Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass) is a neighborhood in Brooklyn. Formerly very industrial, now overly trendy and expensive (of course it is).
Devyn, you and Yoav are certainly doing the best thing for both you and your marriage. My husband and I moved from Florida to Porto in late February 2023. NO REGRETS. On top of this we know your soon-to-be downstairs neighbors, Samuel and Ronald. Boa sorte with tying up all the lose ends in the US and look forward to seeing you both in July. Ron W
Devyn, I just started reading your various posts, so I am late to your party, ha. But as a straight woman living in Seattle in Queen Anne Hill (and a diehard Chicagoan, as that’s my hometown), I feel a bit of kindred spirit, location-wise anyway; but mostly because the last 2-years I have been researching moving to Portugal. I truly appreciate your detailed posts,and might I add, you and Yoav look like twins! You seem perfect for each other and it’s truly inspiring to hear how happy you are in Portugal. Anyway, thought I’d say “Hello” to your May post, as I am also reading today’s (Oct. 23rd) and others ;-)